The search is over...

I have to admit that I have been a bit forlorn these past few days. I suppose emotions really do play a very big part in my life in that they tend to control the rhythm of my body. Right now, I am down with the flu. I suppose it's very good timing as there will be no work on Monday and I won't have to miss work. The downside to it, though, is that I won't be able to enjoy the three-day weekend as much as I would if I were well. On to my story!

I have fallen for a girl who, I am afraid, has no interest in me whatsoever. I fall in-love too easily, I'm afraid. I saw this girl in Baguio City and I thought she was the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. I could have gone after her. I should have swooned her with the limited time I had in that country. I should, at least, have put a plan into action. I could have sown the seeds of a future relationship if I really wanted her, but I didn't.

Why didn't I? Well, I didn't know what I would have done if I succeeded. For one thing, I have a lot on my plate right now, so to speak. My parents are no longer around. I'm afraid it falls upon those who are left behind to ensure a future for those who are coming up in the world. It has been something I have been carrying on my chest for the longest time. I guess I can't get to her, if that's the case.

Don't get me wrong. I don't want any pity. Sometimes, I don't want people to look at me in that way. Sometimes, I don't want people to look at me at all. I often wonder what it is I fear. Funny thing when you lose a lot of the people you care for the most. You no longer fear death. You fear the death of everyone else who is close to you. You fear losing everyone else. Whether it is because they have moved on with their lives or they have moved on past this life. So, you remain obstinate, trapped in amber, hoping that they'll come back and they'll still recognize you when they do.

I thought that if I found the woman that I can call "my better half", things would be OK. I have yet to put that theory to the test. Truth of the matter is, I don't think I've found her. I don't think I ever will. I found a girl who was willing to be a friend and I miscronstrued everything, thinking that we might be more than friends. In truth, I lulled myself into that fantasy. I mean, a beautiful girl with a kind heart, how could you not? In retrospect, how could you. The more I think about it, the more it becomes apparent. Our bond only went as far as it did because she was being considerate. I'm afraid I've overstretched my bounds.

Of friends and enemies. It is a wonder to me how I can occupy the most precarious minds. As I have stated once before, I long for the days that I spent with my best friends in Malate Catholic School. Yes, we were all a lot less generous with our money but it was like we were all living the complications simply. I do know that they think of me every now and then and smile. In the end, I think, that is the greatest honor that I can have bestowed upon me. I am glad that they think of me in the brightest of their days or in the darkest of their nights even if it is only once in a while. I know that I can count on them to remind me that the world is not as anonymous as it seems. I don't know what happened to my friends in college. Most, I understand. The rest, I don't. For some, it pains me to think that they have no interest in my state of thinking. I sometimes wonder if it was worth it. I wonder if my emotional stock in them was worth investing. I wonder if they would have put themselves on the same line I did for them. In the end, I'll never know. In the end, I figure, it doesn't matter. If they move on, forget about me, but do right for themselves, I still did the right thing. If they end up being happy and I was able to help them achieve that, I still did the right thing. I will never see any of my deeds repayed probably and I won't even get any respect nor admiration but I shall be the fool who did the right thing because it was the right thing to do, regardless.

So, today, I end my search for my love. If fate is kind and deems it so that I shall find her, then I thank the bright lady. If not, then no hard feelings. I will die one day and I will just live life now. I shall try to live it as I have once before. Despite all that I have lost, I have gained much as well. What I have gained, I cannot pay for. From where I stand now, I cannot see the horizon. I will not play by the rules set by everyone else and I will not accept the ways of the world as my own. I will march through the difficult road because I can and I will not be overwhelmed nor conquered by the tune that everyone sings for this is my way. I will fight until I can fight no longer and I will pass this world with a smile on my face because even though I was not able to find her or if I found her, she never saw me, I know that she would have loved to see me smile.