My Therapy

It is 2007 and I have decided to write down a few of my thoughts and emotions. I think that this posting is no longer on anyone's radar so I can write freely without the threat of recourse nor embarassment.
First of all, a recap. My name is Jose Angelo. Close friends and family call me Jolo. I am 27 years old, single, short in stature, and I have a lot of confidence issues that I need to deal with. I came to the United States 8 years ago with the help of my grandmother. It was a big change for me and a bit of a culture shock. I was just starting to get settled in to our house in the Philippines after a long time of living there. I currently work in a consulting firm as one of their IT personnel. I don't get paid much but I'm still very lucky because I still manage to keep a roof above my head, have three meals a day, and get to have clean clothes on my back everyday.
I am writing in here this time not because I'm trying to keep up with a girl I like or because I'm chasing after sympathy. I am writing mainly to draw out my thoughts and, hopefully, it will make my life less lonely and complicated.
It has been a while since I have heard from anyone from the Philippines. I tried to call up there once but I didn't get anyone on the phone. Sometimes, it creeps up behind my head the question of people still caring. I wonder if anyone thinks about me back there. I'm wondering if I'm missed. I wonder if my time there ever mattered. I won't justify anything nor will I attempt to rationalize it or sugarcoat it but I don't think I mattered. It even goes to the point wherein I wonder why my grandmother wants to talk to my younger siblings and not to me whenever she calls. Or for that matter, why my family likes to keep conversations short whenever they get me on the phone. It's probably because I'm not the best conversationalist. Maybe it's because they just don't find anything of interest in my life. Either way, it just makes me feel small.
I recently got over a major migraine attack. I was developing a web site for a non-profit...http://www.nafve.org. If you ever feel compelled to help Filipino veterans, please visit this site. However, developing this site, along with the family issues I have to deal with, lead to the biggest headache I have ever experienced in my entire life. I was sensitive to light, sound, and smells. I basically locked myself up inside the bathroom with the lights off and hoped that I would not have to come out of there. All because it felt like my insides were struggling to get out and my head was going to explode. I eventually just hurled and thanked God for the three day weekend. Some way to spend the holiday.
Well, that's all for now. This has helped me clear my head a bit. It's just a bit of release for me, nothing special. I don't hope for any connection nor do I wish it. I'm not even sure why I'm writing it. Maybe I just want to remember that I'm human and I have insecurities and flaws like everyone else. Maybe I just want the comfort of the thought that not everything has to be a struggle. Maybe I just want to be able to look into the mirror and look at myself and see something. Maybe I want to hear an echo or a voice that will tell me not I'm not alone and that I'm not small. Maybe I just want to be sure that I still exist in this world and seeing my reflection is the proof I need to verify my existence. Whichever the case, I feel less sad.

--X--