It's funny to me...

I sometimes find it funny, albeit, ironic that I work my hardest in anything I do and I work as hard afterwards and I seem to be going nowhere fast while I see people who do not go to work, who do nothing but play video games, people who do not even contribute to household chores but they seem to be doing better in life. They worry less and they seem to be living life better. It is at this point that I wonder if I'm doing something wrong. It is at this point that I wonder if I should have taken steroids instead of eating my vegetables and saying my prayers like Hulk Hogan always told me. Is it unfair? I don't really know. The line between fair and unfair has been blurred so much because of all the politics involved that it's hard to tell anymore. I don't want to grow old and full of spite like my grandmother who never outgrew the pouting attitude but I also don't want to be a jerk. I don't want to live my life not considering how my actions would affect everyone else. I just don't think that that's the right way to go. I think that everyone has some right in this world and that we would all be better off if we treated each other with respect.
I feel drained. I feel like I have been climbing a hill and some dead weights were tied to my back. It's starting to feel like each and every "favor" that a family member asks me now; save for anything pertaining to my grandfather, my aunt, and my family from SoCal; is a chore. I feel like it's just me against the world. Like I was singled-out and everyone just decided to turn the other way until they have a need for a skill of mine. It is the wrong way to think but that's the way it feels sometimes. Noone does me any favors. Everyone is always willing to teach me through "tough love" lessons. Well, I suppose that that's the way it goes. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't mind doing favors for the people I love. It's just that I would appreciate it if these people would make an effort. I mean, it's not too much to ask to have someone clear the dishwasher after I fill it up or vacuum the carpet once a week. I mean, I don't think I'm asking for too much when I'm hoping that there is some rice cooking when I get home when I'm not the first one in or that the bathroom get cleaned up at least once a week just because I do other things during the weekend and sometimes I use the weekend to relax. I think that that has become high expectations now. It's just hope and I will only end up getting disappointed the more I do that. This is the reason why I believe no one has my back. This is why I think I am fighting this fight alone until my elder sister gets settled down here in California. However, I don't want to have my life be another of her responsibilities. I would rather have her live her own life and be happy. I don't think I'm in the right place anyway.
I haven't heard from my family in the Philippines. I will try to call them tomorrow. Everytime I do, nobody answers. Hence, the whole "I'm feeling small and insignificant" bit. I try to think that everyone is just busy because my sister-in-law, my older brother's wife, is pregnant and needs more care than your usual pregnant mother. It makes me smile when I think about it that way. It makes me smile because I think about the entire family coming together bringing her pillows and waiting on her hand and foot and making sure she's comfortable and the never-ending asking of "Are you okay? Can I get you anything else?". I'm sure that's what I would be doing if I were there right now. If I were in the Philippines, there would be no doubt that straight off from work, I would be heading to my where my brother and his wife are and ask them what I can do and I would no doubt find her sleeping soundly and comfortably because my mom would have already cooked and cleaned along with the mother of my brother's wife and my sister and sisters-in-law woud still be there watching over her just waiting for her to ask for something.
I think this is my ray of hope. I think that the reason why I am so enamored with the thought of my elder brother and his wife is because it tells me that true love is not passe, that true love is not something that only past generations have. It is the only thing I can recognize and relate to whether I feel old and in the wrong generation where the only thing that everyone seems to be concerned about is "the image". The fact that my elder brother is now living in love and will soon be a father is comforting to me because it is something that an old fossil like me can still look at and recognize even though I have seen it in other faces and other eyes. The look remains the same and it is, at least, familiar and will always be reminiscent of home...no matter what name I might call it and with whomever might welcome me to it.