The Darkest of the Dark Stars...

Too many times in life we ask the question "Where do I go from here". We have our jobs, we have our lives, we have our day to days but we just can't seem to figure out our destination.
As I glance over my shoulder and I see a young couple kiss farewell as they go off to their respective destinations, I sometimes say to myself "I want that". As I see a mother with her child, I also sometimes say to myself "I want that". Too many times I have told myself that I have never envied my elder brother except when he found his wife and he held onto her. At that moment, I thought to myself that he had everything I ever wanted in life. It was at that point that I thought to myself that I wanted that.
At the same time these thoughts flooded my mind, I also thought about everything else. I have family that depend on me to get them through. It is this reason that I continue to work in the IT industry. It is a safe bet for me because I have a natural aptitude for learning process and procedures. What I really want to do, though, is just sit down and draw. Actually, what I want to do is make stories...maybe have a wife whom I love and loves me and children who smile whenever they see me. I guess that would be my dream life. Maybe one day I'll be one of the fortunate ones. Who knows, really.
It is at this point that I start to wonder if everything that I have done so far in my life has been the right thing. Whether I was right to let go of people I love or if I was right to just pack up and leave to go live somewhere else I think only time will tell. I would like to think that I did the right thing but there are days when I'm not so sure. I sometimes think that if I had done the right thing, things should not be this hard. Then again, if things were too easy, then I would not have been necessary in the first place.
It sometimes amazes me that nobody really looks to me for a solution. I mean, I don't think anyone really takes me seriously. I have learned to live with that. That is already a part of me. I have found that when people disregard my presence, it gives me more room to act. Sometimes, I underestimate the importance of not being scrutinized under a magnifying glass all the time. I sometimes wonder why I keep on yearning for company. Sometimes, I guess, a comfort zone is not as evident or as comfortable as one might think.
So, there's this girl. I don't think of her that much. Unfortunately, out of everyone I happen to meet, she's the only one who makes me nervous. Everyone else seems to be cool. Do I ever have daydreams of her? Not that I think of. Sometimes, I find myself just trying to get a glimpse of her, though.
Do I have feelings for this girl? Good question. I think she's pretty. I think she's ravishing. I think she's royalty. I think she's something else. I think she's not run-of-the-mill. I don't think she's like anyone else.
Do I think I have a snowball's chance in hell with her? Hell, no! I try to tell myself that, first of all, I'm not the prettiest puppy in the pound. I have found that many women tend to go for those that have been blessed with social grace and the endowments of Aphrodite. Unfortunately, I think Ares had first dibs on me when they were talking endowments. If you ever want to get a mental picture of me, think of the skinny wandering idiot in a battle regiment that spends the lull in battle looking at how dew glistens on a spiderweb. Yep, that would be me. After that, they tell me to go out there and take a couple of arrows while taking some enemies down with me. I'm a bit awkward in social situations when people start to take notice. I was never given that much attention when I was growing up. It is that reason that I only speak when necessary. I have been doing more talking these days, though, just to make sure that people are comfortable with my presence. Yeah, even my conversations have a purpose. I just don't talk out of the blue.
Anyway, I don't think I have any answers. I continuously have questions. I ask if what I'm doing is right. I ask where I'm leading my life to. I ask if I'll ever find anyone who will have me with my quirks and all. Like I was saying, who knows...really.