Waiting for mana to fall from Heaven...

I have been having dizzy spells lately. I don't know what is causing them. I refuse to go the casual way and say "Oh, it's because I'm stressed out". I am writing again because my head hurts. Every now and then, I get lucky and writing stuff down makes my head better.
So, I missed work today. I was thinking "Crap! I woke up late!". I tried to get up. I couldn't. It was like my body was telling me that it's quitting. When I thought I got up, I later find out that I never did. I dreamt that I was talking to a doctor and I was telling her everything that was going on with me. Well, I wasn't. I was lying on my futon and under my blankets. I finally got up and ate what would be lunch. I called up work and told them I would be late and would come in at around noon. I was starting to get ready and I suddenly felt my world spinning. I lay myself down and sent an e-mail to work telling them I wouldn't be coming in after all. It frustrates me that I don't know what's going on with me. I'm glad that I would be going to the doctor tomorrow. Maybe he or she can shed some light on what's happening to me. Unfortunately, I will have to find a way to get there. My younger brother is going to his girlfriend's to take her and her cousins to Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. I don't know if I should be ticked off or if I should be understanding. It is for his girlfriend, after all.
It keeps bringing me back to that time that he goes "I don't do chores because I don't live here, I have a life". That leaves me to fend off and pay for everything? My teacher in Quantitative Methods 2 back in college always told me never to wait for mana to fall from Heaven. You have to do things for yourself if you want to move forward. The answers will not be given to you. You have to go and get them yourself. So, now, I ask "If I have been doing all I can to keep my younger brother and sister afloat to the point that I don't pursue my interests and dreams, why can't they do something as simple as take out the trash?". I mean, to tell you the truth, I don't like working with computers. I like working with technology and I like working with people, true. I don't like managing web sites, setting up servers, and making computers work. Am I good at it? Yes! Can I learn it fast? Yes! However, I'm also good at drawing. I'm also good at cooking. I'm also good at speaking and writing. So, why am I not pursuing any of these other talents? Why am I not refining these skills to the point where they could be profitable to me? I would like to pursue drawing. I would like to become an artist in Marvel, DC, or Dark Horse comics. Heck, I would like to be a comic strip artist for a newspaper! Okay, so maybe sometimes I do like working with computers. The point is, well, actually, now that I think of it, I do enjoy working with computers and technology. I think my point is more than anything, I would rather be drawing. Unfortunately, I don't have the time for it. I look at the laundry and it's two weeks piled high. I have been busy and without a car for this time. My younger sister left explicit instructions not to drive her car around so I left it at my grandfather's house. That leaves me with a Celica whose insurance I pay for and never get to use because my brother is using it exclusively. I have two choices, I let him use my car or he goes out and uses his motorcycle which is an accident waiting to happen. I vote for the car. None of this goodwill will ever be reciprocated. I have bills that have to be paid and it's for all three people who live under this roof. My younger brother barely works these days because of school. I wish I could just turn my back on all this but I can't. I can't, in good conscience, leave them to fend off for themselves.
That leaves me where I am right now. It's starting to hurt. I don't like living alone, to tell the truth. In my current situation, I might as well be. Maybe I should. It's starting to get really hard for me to keep my wits about. I'm really dizzy and it's hard for me to sleep. My chest feels a bit tight and my head hurts. Well, my younger brother asked me to drive him to Union City so, at least, I have a car to drive myself to the hospital in Union City. I say the hell with that. I might as well do this the same way I've done everything in the past. Go there early and scout the area. I'm doing this myself. Whether or not I'm feeling like crap doesn't make any difference. This is something I have to do and it's something I'll have to do myself. Unfortunately, this just shows where his loyalties lie. In a pinch, he's not going to lift a finger to help me. In the end, that's what hurts the most. Something as simple as taking me to the hospital because I don't feel well or taking out the trash and I can't even have that. Well, I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later. I have to be strong and I have to live if only to see if someone's waiting for me on the other side of this tunnel. I think that's the only thing that I can do now to keep myself going.

--X--