The Darkest of the Dark Stars...

Too many times in life we ask the question "Where do I go from here". We have our jobs, we have our lives, we have our day to days but we just can't seem to figure out our destination.
As I glance over my shoulder and I see a young couple kiss farewell as they go off to their respective destinations, I sometimes say to myself "I want that". As I see a mother with her child, I also sometimes say to myself "I want that". Too many times I have told myself that I have never envied my elder brother except when he found his wife and he held onto her. At that moment, I thought to myself that he had everything I ever wanted in life. It was at that point that I thought to myself that I wanted that.
At the same time these thoughts flooded my mind, I also thought about everything else. I have family that depend on me to get them through. It is this reason that I continue to work in the IT industry. It is a safe bet for me because I have a natural aptitude for learning process and procedures. What I really want to do, though, is just sit down and draw. Actually, what I want to do is make stories...maybe have a wife whom I love and loves me and children who smile whenever they see me. I guess that would be my dream life. Maybe one day I'll be one of the fortunate ones. Who knows, really.
It is at this point that I start to wonder if everything that I have done so far in my life has been the right thing. Whether I was right to let go of people I love or if I was right to just pack up and leave to go live somewhere else I think only time will tell. I would like to think that I did the right thing but there are days when I'm not so sure. I sometimes think that if I had done the right thing, things should not be this hard. Then again, if things were too easy, then I would not have been necessary in the first place.
It sometimes amazes me that nobody really looks to me for a solution. I mean, I don't think anyone really takes me seriously. I have learned to live with that. That is already a part of me. I have found that when people disregard my presence, it gives me more room to act. Sometimes, I underestimate the importance of not being scrutinized under a magnifying glass all the time. I sometimes wonder why I keep on yearning for company. Sometimes, I guess, a comfort zone is not as evident or as comfortable as one might think.
So, there's this girl. I don't think of her that much. Unfortunately, out of everyone I happen to meet, she's the only one who makes me nervous. Everyone else seems to be cool. Do I ever have daydreams of her? Not that I think of. Sometimes, I find myself just trying to get a glimpse of her, though.
Do I have feelings for this girl? Good question. I think she's pretty. I think she's ravishing. I think she's royalty. I think she's something else. I think she's not run-of-the-mill. I don't think she's like anyone else.
Do I think I have a snowball's chance in hell with her? Hell, no! I try to tell myself that, first of all, I'm not the prettiest puppy in the pound. I have found that many women tend to go for those that have been blessed with social grace and the endowments of Aphrodite. Unfortunately, I think Ares had first dibs on me when they were talking endowments. If you ever want to get a mental picture of me, think of the skinny wandering idiot in a battle regiment that spends the lull in battle looking at how dew glistens on a spiderweb. Yep, that would be me. After that, they tell me to go out there and take a couple of arrows while taking some enemies down with me. I'm a bit awkward in social situations when people start to take notice. I was never given that much attention when I was growing up. It is that reason that I only speak when necessary. I have been doing more talking these days, though, just to make sure that people are comfortable with my presence. Yeah, even my conversations have a purpose. I just don't talk out of the blue.
Anyway, I don't think I have any answers. I continuously have questions. I ask if what I'm doing is right. I ask where I'm leading my life to. I ask if I'll ever find anyone who will have me with my quirks and all. Like I was saying, who knows...really.

'S Funny, 'S All...

I checked out this message from my elder brother the other day. It was both funny and full of comfort at the same time. You see, I sent him an e-mail a few days before that because he is expecting a son soon and I was suggesting some names. Well, he still hasn't settled on a name. I can't blame him. First sons are always the pride and joy of fathers. Myself, I wonder if I would ever be as lucky as he is. I mean, he has a wonderful wife who loves him and keep him centered and he has a loving family who is behind him all the way. In my world, he has it all. He now has a place to rest all his hopes, all his dreams, and all his ambitions. I, on the other hand, still live like a mercenary.
I still live my existence based on the needs that are required of it. I don't really know how it is to live in a life that has me smiling and not bound by the constraints of duties not set by myself. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining. It's simply thinking to myself how all of the current duties that I have are not the ones that I chose for myself. My current duties have been dictated by circumstance and, one day, I fear that they will once more dictate where I will serve once more. It is true that, throughout all this time, God and the Fates have proven themselves to be on my side. It is unfortunate, however, that too many people have done otherwise. Many have, though. For them, I am particularly thankful.
It occurs to me that the higher powers of God and the Fates have given me their blessing and have trusted that I will make the right choices and decisions in my short trek in life. I know this because they have deemed it allowable that I don't fight in any wars this time around. I think they want me to start finding out what it means to be a person and how it is to live life for real. I think they want me to go the full ten yards and take the entire experience in.
This leads me to the humor and irony of it all. My best friend and my elder brother are both involved romantically with someone right now. I find it funny that, whenever I tell them about the girlfriend thing, they both say the same thing. They both say "It just comes to you". It's funny that it is this piece of advice that comes from two people who are both very much in-love with their significant others to a person like me and I am supposed to believe that this will come without effort. Ah, well. I think it is in this regard that I leave it to more divine forces. If I find her, then I do. When I do, I wil fight for her with all my might just because I know that she will do the same for me. I will fight for her with all my might because I want to hold onto her and never lose her again. It is quite ironic that I may never find her. If I don't, well, life has to go on. There is still a lot of work to be done here and I know that if I were with her, she would want me to go and keep on trying to make things better. The only difference is that there would be a second person who will be trying right beside me and I will have someone I am certain that I will stand beside.

Clothes...

Today, I wore some clothes I haven't donned for a while. I wore a long-sleeved shirt, slacks, and leather shoes. An ensemble I haven't donned since my days working in Safeway which was two years ago. I had an ulterior motive to wearing this garb. Actually, I had two.
The first one was because my jeans that have served me well for more than four years have finally given up the ghost. My jeans have gotten torn. I will probably spend tomorrow stitching them up so that I still have rugged pants to use. The second was I wanted to mix things up a bit at work. Too many people have gotten too complacent and have gotten too comfortable with the workplace. I thought I would stir things up a bit by showing them a different side of me.
Two theories came about from my actions. One I found curious, the other was common. The first was hot date. Actually, there were some who were saying it looked nice. Was it far from the truth. Yes. I did not have a date that evening nor did I plan on picking anyone up to go out with. I was more of a just leave me alone kind of guy.
The second theory to my ensemble was job interview. It was something I didn't pay too much attention to. I was staying up late the night before reading which was the reason why I came in to work late. I just let them guess. I gave them one reason for my apparel. I ran out of clothes to wear. It is the lamest, most unbelievable excuse ever. My reason for using the most unbelievable excuse is that it keeps them guessing.
Life relies on three things. It relies on the mind, the body, and the soul. In this case, we shall refer to an element of the soul: the heart or emotion. Now, all three of these are in constant motion. The mind learns, the body grows, and the soul feels. If one of these comes at a stand still, it throws off the dynamic factor of the other two. All three are in motion that is interdependent and interrelated. The growth of one supplements the other. In the case of the mind, once it stops learning, the body tends to lose its strength and emotions start to become neagative. In the case of the body, once it stops growing, the mind starts to become complacent and emotions become negative. Now, emotions are totally different.
The emotional growth of a being supplants the desire to learn, hence, to improve. In this improvement, the body follows in development and discipline. Emotion has to be dynamic. One cannot stay in one state of emotion for too long for it hinders creative thought. It robs a mind of inspiration in its state of stasis.
Inspiration is important for it makes us all progress. It makes us go beyond our limits. It creates goals and aspirations and not just blind ambition. It gives us purpose and makes us struggle for a brighter tomorrow.
So, I learned a lot today. A change of clothes and I was a different person and I probably put a few smiles on the faces of my co-workers. Who knows. Maybe I will don a similar ensemble once again.

Left and right...

Have you ever felt like the world was crashing down around your ears and there is nothing you could do to stop it? I have. In fact, I feel it a lot these days. It isn't something that has to do with work. I happen to enjoy my job and working. It gives me the only distraction that I can afford.
Lately, my mind has been beset by barrage after barrage of thoughts and situations that I did not expect to deal with. I feel like I don't want to eat, I feel like I don't want to sleep, and I feel like I don't want to draw. I feel like I don't want to wake up anymore. I guess it just feels like I am standing alone against the world. There is a large part of me that worries that I will eventually shut out everyone who care about me just because I feel like the world forgot about me. I mean, just because the people I grew up with choose not to come into contact with me except when they need me or when they find it convenient does not mean that my world is at its end, right?
All of this is a part of my anxiety. All of this is related to the fact that I just was not prepared for life. I was preparing to go fight a war. I was, in essence, preparing my body for sacrifice. I was preparing my mind and my soul for acceptance should I fall on the battlefield. I was prepared for all that. It just didn't turn out that way.
I don't know if it was just as well. I mean, if I wanted to go do the entire heave-ho, I'd have joined the US Army, right? Since I wanted to have some fun with it, I tried to join the US Air Force. I've heard the joke that said "You joining the Air Force? You must want to be a mechanic". As a matter of fact, I do. It would be awesome to be able to work on the most advanced airplane engines on the planet and get paid for it. But I guess God has a different plan for me.
Left and right. Hit after hit. Will someone tell me it's going to be all right? Or will someone tell me why I still fight? Who knows really?

Being old...

I have a co-worker who keeps on telling me how young I am. The way I'm living right now, it doesn't feel that way. I know my mortality is catching up to me and, pretty soon, I wake up and I'm an old man. I have a lot of responsibilities right now. I have bills to pay and responsibilities that noone else will do for me. My situation is peculiar, to say the least.
I live with my younger brother and sister. Unfortunately, they do not share the same sentiments that I have. I envy them lots of times because they don't care if they have enough money for the next month. Believe me, I am not the type of person who likes to be cooped-up in the house watching TV. I would rather be going out and playing basketball or running on the sand on a beach. I would rather be watching birds soaring high above me on a mountaintop. Unfortunately, I have a lot of chores to do. For some reason, it always falls on me to do chores. I seem to do the bulk of household chores in the apartment. I'm not a rich guy so I don't have a maid. I'm not married so I don't have a wife who helps me out with these chores. I'm not the eldest of my brothers and sisters so I don't have the recognized authority to order my younger siblings around. It is for this reason that I have to do the chores that I do because I tried one time not doing any chores. I ended up hungry, tired, and living in a mess.
I should just say enough is enough. If my two siblings won't even move a finger to help me out, then it would be better for me to just live on my own. Actually, I'm pretty much sure it would be. That was the way I started out in Southern California. I was living in my aunt and uncle's house with my wonderful cousins and their wonderful friends and family. I wasn't getting paid much. In fact, I was getting minimum wage working in Wal-mart. Yes, I was doing blue collar. I was happy, though. I worked with very interesting people. There was Stuart, Blair, Big Jim, Cassie, Mang Sonny, and my sensei, Roy. They were all awesome to work with. Oh, and there were Mr. Carlos and Leo. Aside from them, there were also a lot of other people. It was a very offbeat bunch that just worked during the nighttime and listened to a lot of Metallica. I earned enough to save up. My aunts and my uncles were very loving parents. My cousins were like brothers and sisters. Grampa and Grandma were awesome. I had a very great time there. I hung out in the garage a lot. In fact, I had enough to buy my own ticket to the Philippines and have a lot more left over. In contrast, my younger sister and brother, well, weren't as fortunate. I had to send them half my paycheck all the time. I didn't even get so much as a thank you for that. In fact, and it's still something that bugs me up to this day, my sister even told my family that I was no help to them when we went back to the Philippines for Christmas. My younger brother had to correct her. It made me feel less appreciated. I mean, I didn't need to send them money, well, actually, I did. The first thing she said when she called me up the first time I came from the Philippines was that she needed money. I gave her the entirety of the pocket money I had from the Philippines to tide me over until I got myself a job. Well, I have to say that I'm still very lucky because I am living proof that there is a God and He watches over all of us. I thank Him every day of my life because I know that everything that I am right now is Divine Providence and all of it is nothing short of a miracle.
Eventually, I had to move to Northern California. As my aunt so accurately put it, I was given my "marching orders". I was trying to get a job but past experience has taught me that I don't have anyone to rely on once I get up here.
Northern California is so different from SoCal. Down there, I had my entire family to back me up no matter how crazy my schemes were. They were there to give me good advice and lead me to where I wanted to go. At times, the fact that they were just there made me feel like I'm indestructible. It made me feel like my back wasn't against the wall all the time. Down there, I had responsibilities and I had chores but they weren't so hard because there was always someone there who was willing to pitch in be it one of the girls or one of my cousins. Up here, it's different. The only one who is willing to share in menial tasks is my grandfather. I totally understand why some people don't. That much I can get. The other people, I don't think have an excuse for not pulling some weight and helping out my grandfather or just doing household chores in general. Aside from this, my first visit to Northern California told me that my back is against the wall here. I will have to fend for myself. I do not have a cohesive unit here. I may not have anyone here I can depend on when the chips are down. Well, I was partially right.
I got my first job in Northern California, my first real job in Northern California, out of sheer persistence. It was in Safeway. I met a lot of cool people. I got to go out in the rain a lot. I got to do a lot of stuff. I took that job because of my grandfather's advice. A lot of people were against it because they were talking about how blue collar it was. It dawned on me that none of those who were against it were really put in my situation. These people who advised against it had an easier life than I did. They were either really gifted or they had the luxury of being supported by their parents. I didn't. So, I took the job. After a few iterations, I got into the IT sector.
That leads to where I am now. I am once more on a crossroads. If those whom I have come to aid in their time of need now have the means to live for themselves, what do I do? I still live with them but do I begin living for myself without them in mind? Am I wrong to still live my life thinking of their best interests in mind? Should I live my life parallel to their best interests? If so, where do I stop living like this and living how I want to? When do I just start gazing out into the world and finding wonder? It's one of the things I ponder. Well, thoughts for another time, perhaps.

--X--

Waiting for mana to fall from Heaven...

I have been having dizzy spells lately. I don't know what is causing them. I refuse to go the casual way and say "Oh, it's because I'm stressed out". I am writing again because my head hurts. Every now and then, I get lucky and writing stuff down makes my head better.
So, I missed work today. I was thinking "Crap! I woke up late!". I tried to get up. I couldn't. It was like my body was telling me that it's quitting. When I thought I got up, I later find out that I never did. I dreamt that I was talking to a doctor and I was telling her everything that was going on with me. Well, I wasn't. I was lying on my futon and under my blankets. I finally got up and ate what would be lunch. I called up work and told them I would be late and would come in at around noon. I was starting to get ready and I suddenly felt my world spinning. I lay myself down and sent an e-mail to work telling them I wouldn't be coming in after all. It frustrates me that I don't know what's going on with me. I'm glad that I would be going to the doctor tomorrow. Maybe he or she can shed some light on what's happening to me. Unfortunately, I will have to find a way to get there. My younger brother is going to his girlfriend's to take her and her cousins to Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. I don't know if I should be ticked off or if I should be understanding. It is for his girlfriend, after all.
It keeps bringing me back to that time that he goes "I don't do chores because I don't live here, I have a life". That leaves me to fend off and pay for everything? My teacher in Quantitative Methods 2 back in college always told me never to wait for mana to fall from Heaven. You have to do things for yourself if you want to move forward. The answers will not be given to you. You have to go and get them yourself. So, now, I ask "If I have been doing all I can to keep my younger brother and sister afloat to the point that I don't pursue my interests and dreams, why can't they do something as simple as take out the trash?". I mean, to tell you the truth, I don't like working with computers. I like working with technology and I like working with people, true. I don't like managing web sites, setting up servers, and making computers work. Am I good at it? Yes! Can I learn it fast? Yes! However, I'm also good at drawing. I'm also good at cooking. I'm also good at speaking and writing. So, why am I not pursuing any of these other talents? Why am I not refining these skills to the point where they could be profitable to me? I would like to pursue drawing. I would like to become an artist in Marvel, DC, or Dark Horse comics. Heck, I would like to be a comic strip artist for a newspaper! Okay, so maybe sometimes I do like working with computers. The point is, well, actually, now that I think of it, I do enjoy working with computers and technology. I think my point is more than anything, I would rather be drawing. Unfortunately, I don't have the time for it. I look at the laundry and it's two weeks piled high. I have been busy and without a car for this time. My younger sister left explicit instructions not to drive her car around so I left it at my grandfather's house. That leaves me with a Celica whose insurance I pay for and never get to use because my brother is using it exclusively. I have two choices, I let him use my car or he goes out and uses his motorcycle which is an accident waiting to happen. I vote for the car. None of this goodwill will ever be reciprocated. I have bills that have to be paid and it's for all three people who live under this roof. My younger brother barely works these days because of school. I wish I could just turn my back on all this but I can't. I can't, in good conscience, leave them to fend off for themselves.
That leaves me where I am right now. It's starting to hurt. I don't like living alone, to tell the truth. In my current situation, I might as well be. Maybe I should. It's starting to get really hard for me to keep my wits about. I'm really dizzy and it's hard for me to sleep. My chest feels a bit tight and my head hurts. Well, my younger brother asked me to drive him to Union City so, at least, I have a car to drive myself to the hospital in Union City. I say the hell with that. I might as well do this the same way I've done everything in the past. Go there early and scout the area. I'm doing this myself. Whether or not I'm feeling like crap doesn't make any difference. This is something I have to do and it's something I'll have to do myself. Unfortunately, this just shows where his loyalties lie. In a pinch, he's not going to lift a finger to help me. In the end, that's what hurts the most. Something as simple as taking me to the hospital because I don't feel well or taking out the trash and I can't even have that. Well, I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later. I have to be strong and I have to live if only to see if someone's waiting for me on the other side of this tunnel. I think that's the only thing that I can do now to keep myself going.

--X--

Phenomenal!!!

So, I'm writing again. If I'm not careful, this might become a regular habit. I came across a girl whom I found attractive from the very beginning. Whenever she would pass by, I could not help but look her way. The more I tried to look away, the more I wanted to look her way. It's laughable but it seems that I am a nerd after all.
I like to keep things simple. I try to be civil and I never try to be charming. That is with good reason. I'm not exactly what you would call "cute". Still, I came in today, tired and drained. I came across a girl whose eyes were as blue as the oceans that surrounded Bohol and whose hair was as red as the fire trees in Fort Bonifacio during February. She said "hi" and I said "maaah". That was the funniest thing that has ever happened to me. I found it very laughable. I fixed her computer and I smiled to myself. I asked her if she wanted to see "Transformers" and she said "no". I laughed to myself. It was a good day. It was a bit hard but it was a good day.
I would not change this day if I were given a choice. Would I rather have her said "yes"? I don't know. Maybe. Having this day told me that the world was still there. That there were still things that were happening in my life. Today told me that I wasn't lost and that I wasn't just standing still and watching the world pass me by. Her saying "no" told me that I am who I am. Today told me that I am not defined by the day and I am "I". It was a good feeling. She was, to me, the most beautiful girl in the office. I just asked her if she wanted to go see "Transformers" with me. I got shot down just like that. I feel so happy. It reminds me of the time back in the Philippines that I was going to the store to buy Coca-Cola for my family's evening meal. The pathway that I was crossing was laden with moss and I was trudging on it. I have never slipped on it but, that night, I did. I laughed so hard because I fell on my butt. It reminded me that there are still surprises in life. It reminded me that there's always the earth for you to fall on. It reminded me that life is not always a struggle and that life isn't always a fight. It reminded me that the best thing about falling is getting back up. It reminded me that I'm not alone and I'm not above everyone else. Most of all, it just reminded me that I'm still happy and that water was creeping into my shorts and that I'm covered in moss. It's one of my fondest memories.
Today, I was able to see into my own soul. I was able to see the face behind the mask. I was able to face up to my insecurities and tell them that I will not be held back by you. I shall rise above once more and will be more than what I see. It is a great feeling.
Wondering what if is the worst feeling of all. Hypothetical situations are the worst because you have to work with probabilities all the time and you never know how it would have turned out. I'm glad I did what I did and I got shot down. I do not wonder "what if" anymore. I know for certain this time. This was the same when I gave this girl back in college a dog doll. She had it on her desk at the time. Of course, someone kidnapped the Squirtle that I had on my desk. Man, am I glad I didn't have the Fire Valkyrie on my desk that time. I was always playing in my head what would happen if I did that. On their last day of internship, I gave her and her friends a black forest cake. Why? Because I had money to spare and I really liked all of them. They were good people. I didn't care what Mike said. Unfortunately, I had a deadline that I was chasing so I just presented her and her classmates with the cake and I went down to do my job. She saved me a piece of cake and brought it down for me. I said it was for her and she was forcing me to have the cake. I told her I wasn't eating the cake unless she kissed me. She totally dared me and said "Only after you finish this slice". I totally froze and was dumbfounded. She walked away smirking. In her mind, she won. In retrospect, I should have collected. Nonetheless, that was one of the memories that I can bring back to mind and laugh out loud about. Yes, some people might call it lame but to me, it's just funny. Throughout everything that I've been through, it is these awkward moments in my life that I find comfort in aside from the memories of my family. These are the thoughts that I can laugh about. I love remembering them. I love remembering how I asked this one girl in college every day if she would go out with me. I passed by a flower shop and saw Malaysian Mums, fresh ones in blue and yellow, and I bought them and gave them to her in front of the entire school. I was red-faced and flushed because I gave her exactly when classes were let out so I was there prostrated before the entire student body with my weakness bared. That is hilarity and that is a moment in my life that I shall remember forever and laugh about.
So, that's my story for the day. Like I said, it was a good day. When she said "no" to me today, it reminded me of every bit of emotion that I had for every girl whom I took one look and commited to memory. Their names, well, I don't want to put them in the spot, but their initials are KGA, MVO, MBN. To the girl who said "no" to me today, I say many thanks. You showed me a big part of me that I haven't seen in a long time. Her initials...BC. Thanks a bunch.=D

--X--