Mangangamote lang po...

So, here I am again. It's another Sunday afternoon. At around two o'clock, I have to help with a barbecue. It seems funny to me that people only know me when they need something from me. Maybe that's not true. Maybe I'm just frustrated because I don't have that much money right now and it seems that I'm living from paycheck to paycheck just because I'm helping out a friend of mine and I'm helping out my younger brother. Man. I should just say no next time. I'm going to go into my own schemes and machinations and just do them myself. As much as I would like to help people out, it looks like I'm not in a position to help people out financially. I mean, if the people I am trying to help at the cost of my own head do not help themselves, then I'm just fooling myself when I hope that the small amount that I'm lending them is doing any good in making their lives better. I mean, I take public transportation to work and walk the rest of the way to save money. I let other people use my car almost exclusively just so they would not have to go through what I have to go through. It now makes me think and makes me think hard. How far do I have to push just so everyone else can break through? Did I and everyone else who helped mold me make myself into what I am just so I could be just another instrument? Am I just another weapon? What happens when I grow old and break down? I'm starting to see what my future is. It's not very bright.
They say that sorrow poisons the mind. They say that depression creates paranoia. Once you realize that the sun is outside shining bright, you might have a different view of what the world is and how you should move around in it. Sometimes, it really is necessary to say "no" not only to protect yourself but also to protect your future. If I'm reading this correctly, my future will not be defended by everyone else. My future can only be defended by me. It is that reason that I have to do whatever I can to fight and force my way through. I can no longer compromise myself just so everyone else can get to where they need to go. My time here on Earth is not as short as I thought it would be. Who knows, maybe that future has someone else in it besides myself.

It's funny to me...

I sometimes find it funny, albeit, ironic that I work my hardest in anything I do and I work as hard afterwards and I seem to be going nowhere fast while I see people who do not go to work, who do nothing but play video games, people who do not even contribute to household chores but they seem to be doing better in life. They worry less and they seem to be living life better. It is at this point that I wonder if I'm doing something wrong. It is at this point that I wonder if I should have taken steroids instead of eating my vegetables and saying my prayers like Hulk Hogan always told me. Is it unfair? I don't really know. The line between fair and unfair has been blurred so much because of all the politics involved that it's hard to tell anymore. I don't want to grow old and full of spite like my grandmother who never outgrew the pouting attitude but I also don't want to be a jerk. I don't want to live my life not considering how my actions would affect everyone else. I just don't think that that's the right way to go. I think that everyone has some right in this world and that we would all be better off if we treated each other with respect.
I feel drained. I feel like I have been climbing a hill and some dead weights were tied to my back. It's starting to feel like each and every "favor" that a family member asks me now; save for anything pertaining to my grandfather, my aunt, and my family from SoCal; is a chore. I feel like it's just me against the world. Like I was singled-out and everyone just decided to turn the other way until they have a need for a skill of mine. It is the wrong way to think but that's the way it feels sometimes. Noone does me any favors. Everyone is always willing to teach me through "tough love" lessons. Well, I suppose that that's the way it goes. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't mind doing favors for the people I love. It's just that I would appreciate it if these people would make an effort. I mean, it's not too much to ask to have someone clear the dishwasher after I fill it up or vacuum the carpet once a week. I mean, I don't think I'm asking for too much when I'm hoping that there is some rice cooking when I get home when I'm not the first one in or that the bathroom get cleaned up at least once a week just because I do other things during the weekend and sometimes I use the weekend to relax. I think that that has become high expectations now. It's just hope and I will only end up getting disappointed the more I do that. This is the reason why I believe no one has my back. This is why I think I am fighting this fight alone until my elder sister gets settled down here in California. However, I don't want to have my life be another of her responsibilities. I would rather have her live her own life and be happy. I don't think I'm in the right place anyway.
I haven't heard from my family in the Philippines. I will try to call them tomorrow. Everytime I do, nobody answers. Hence, the whole "I'm feeling small and insignificant" bit. I try to think that everyone is just busy because my sister-in-law, my older brother's wife, is pregnant and needs more care than your usual pregnant mother. It makes me smile when I think about it that way. It makes me smile because I think about the entire family coming together bringing her pillows and waiting on her hand and foot and making sure she's comfortable and the never-ending asking of "Are you okay? Can I get you anything else?". I'm sure that's what I would be doing if I were there right now. If I were in the Philippines, there would be no doubt that straight off from work, I would be heading to my where my brother and his wife are and ask them what I can do and I would no doubt find her sleeping soundly and comfortably because my mom would have already cooked and cleaned along with the mother of my brother's wife and my sister and sisters-in-law woud still be there watching over her just waiting for her to ask for something.
I think this is my ray of hope. I think that the reason why I am so enamored with the thought of my elder brother and his wife is because it tells me that true love is not passe, that true love is not something that only past generations have. It is the only thing I can recognize and relate to whether I feel old and in the wrong generation where the only thing that everyone seems to be concerned about is "the image". The fact that my elder brother is now living in love and will soon be a father is comforting to me because it is something that an old fossil like me can still look at and recognize even though I have seen it in other faces and other eyes. The look remains the same and it is, at least, familiar and will always be reminiscent of home...no matter what name I might call it and with whomever might welcome me to it.

My Therapy

It is 2007 and I have decided to write down a few of my thoughts and emotions. I think that this posting is no longer on anyone's radar so I can write freely without the threat of recourse nor embarassment.
First of all, a recap. My name is Jose Angelo. Close friends and family call me Jolo. I am 27 years old, single, short in stature, and I have a lot of confidence issues that I need to deal with. I came to the United States 8 years ago with the help of my grandmother. It was a big change for me and a bit of a culture shock. I was just starting to get settled in to our house in the Philippines after a long time of living there. I currently work in a consulting firm as one of their IT personnel. I don't get paid much but I'm still very lucky because I still manage to keep a roof above my head, have three meals a day, and get to have clean clothes on my back everyday.
I am writing in here this time not because I'm trying to keep up with a girl I like or because I'm chasing after sympathy. I am writing mainly to draw out my thoughts and, hopefully, it will make my life less lonely and complicated.
It has been a while since I have heard from anyone from the Philippines. I tried to call up there once but I didn't get anyone on the phone. Sometimes, it creeps up behind my head the question of people still caring. I wonder if anyone thinks about me back there. I'm wondering if I'm missed. I wonder if my time there ever mattered. I won't justify anything nor will I attempt to rationalize it or sugarcoat it but I don't think I mattered. It even goes to the point wherein I wonder why my grandmother wants to talk to my younger siblings and not to me whenever she calls. Or for that matter, why my family likes to keep conversations short whenever they get me on the phone. It's probably because I'm not the best conversationalist. Maybe it's because they just don't find anything of interest in my life. Either way, it just makes me feel small.
I recently got over a major migraine attack. I was developing a web site for a non-profit...http://www.nafve.org. If you ever feel compelled to help Filipino veterans, please visit this site. However, developing this site, along with the family issues I have to deal with, lead to the biggest headache I have ever experienced in my entire life. I was sensitive to light, sound, and smells. I basically locked myself up inside the bathroom with the lights off and hoped that I would not have to come out of there. All because it felt like my insides were struggling to get out and my head was going to explode. I eventually just hurled and thanked God for the three day weekend. Some way to spend the holiday.
Well, that's all for now. This has helped me clear my head a bit. It's just a bit of release for me, nothing special. I don't hope for any connection nor do I wish it. I'm not even sure why I'm writing it. Maybe I just want to remember that I'm human and I have insecurities and flaws like everyone else. Maybe I just want the comfort of the thought that not everything has to be a struggle. Maybe I just want to be able to look into the mirror and look at myself and see something. Maybe I want to hear an echo or a voice that will tell me not I'm not alone and that I'm not small. Maybe I just want to be sure that I still exist in this world and seeing my reflection is the proof I need to verify my existence. Whichever the case, I feel less sad.

--X--