Stress well-earned...

I have never been one to give up. I have never been one to ask for pity. I have never been one to cower. I have had enough of that when I was a child and I have simply grown weary of it.
It has been a very rough week at work for me. I have been working full-throttle. My body, it would seem, compensates for the lack of sleep by producing more adrenaline and testosterone. This has adverse effects on my concentration and focus. I, being in my mid-twenties, tend to be distracted by other things. I have found, though, that a quick trip to the basics that got me to where I am now is an easy enough remedy. The remedy is a lot of music, a lot of push-ups, and drawing.
I also found that it was true what my mother used to tell me. She told me that memories can give strength in those days when we think we have none. I remember our trips to the cemetery when I was young. It was never during those days when there would be hordes of people honoring their dead. It was always something personal. I guess, despite everything that people thought of my mother, she was an introvert like me. It was just that she loved the world so much more that it never held her back.
I have been in the good ol' USA for four or five years now. I can't say that I don't miss the Philippines. I have plenty of plans that I think are pretty good for the country if I become president. I would cut the wages of all high-ranking public servants in office. Either that or I would make them contribute financially to the development of the country even if it means dipping into their own pockets. That, of course, would include me, the prez. I mean, we are supposed to be public servants. What kind of servants would we be if we lived lavishly while our countrymen have no choice but to be miserable? I mean, there is something very wrong if the only dream of your citizens is to leave the country that they were born in despite all the attachments and memories that they have there.
The USA has been a very good aunt to me. She makes sure that I am always able to hold my head up high and tell everyone my name. She makes sure that I always have a reason to be proud of myself. Most of all, she makes sure that I understand the precious gifts of life, love, and liberty and how it is the duty of every person to cherish it. The Philippines is like a loving mother who makes sure I have everything I need to be able to walk through life and the USA is like the wise aunt that tells you about the world and how you shouldn't lose yourself while you're in it. Hey, I guess I have a great family.
I know what stressed-out means. There shall be no quarter for those who refuse to adapt and rise to the occassion. Those who do not wish to stand for themselves shall be cut down. I deserve all the stress that I'm getting right now. There is no rest for the wicked and the good must be twice as rigid if they ever hope to triumph. Not to say that I'm one of the good. I'm just saying that I deserve all this stress in life. I'm too damn proud. I refuse to fall. I refuse to just call things lost. I refuse to say that I have been defeated. Because of this, I keep on pushing. Because of my pride, I fall down hard. It is painful to get back up as there are no hands outstretched to pull me up to my feet. It is this pride that makes me carve a path all my own and one that I walk with no one. It is this that gives me anonymity. It is this that makes me walk with a crowd yet always apart. Stress sucks.
I did not learn anything. I have not learned anything. I am not listening hard enough to what life is trying to tell me. Maybe I am listening for the wrong thing. Who really knows? All I know is that I am doing things for a reason that I have chosen. Whether it makes sense to everyone else or not is not my concern. It is my semblance of freedom and it is the path that guides me to where I need to go.

Lessons learned...

The past two weeks have been very hectic. With two servers suddenly acting up, it's finally become a system administrator/operator job for me. Granted that solutions have been done quite rapidly and the effect of losing an important service was not as crippling, it was still a bit hard. It was a bitter pill to swallow but I believe that many lessons were learned in that ordeal.
The first lesson learned was that you can't always get what you want. Things can't always be hokey-dorey. Something, sometime will go wrong. It is how we act when they do that will define us and test our mettle. I hate losing and I don't like quitting but I think that I was prepared to face these challenges even before I came across them. This would allow me to figure things out on the fly and just make things better.
The second lesson learned was that you can't please everyone. Try as you might to get things up and running and to get things towards a more promising and more stable thing, there will always be someone who will want more. I suppose that is just human nature. Still, it doesn't really help in the stress-relief department.
The third lesson learned was that rice is the future of the Philippines. If the Philippines would invest more in the development of rice, I believe that they would become very prosperous. Why? I gave some suman and some bibingka to my co-workers and they loved it. It was all because of the presentation and the rice. So, all that was needed was some hard work and some rice and that would lead to a brighter tomorrow. Hell, it might even lead to independence from oil if we work at it.
I was talking to my younger brother and telling him how tired I was because I would come home and do chores for my family and for my grandparents. Occassionally, I would e-mail or write something for a friend. He said I had to cut someone out. I thought that to be ridiculous. I often find myself more surprised about my weaknesses than my strengths. I think that it doesn't matter if I tire myself out. That only means I sleep more soundly at night.

Life speaks to us and all we need do is listen...

I have two servers that went down last Wednesday. I replayed the situation over and over in my head and thought about how to deal with the situation better next time. While we had a contingency plan for the situation, I thought of how to do things better. Needless to say that the contingency plan worked well. We did great and, considering that it was a total server crash, we were fully operational by Friday. The entire system went down Wednesday and we were partially operational by Thursday afternoon. Not bad considering that all systems were down and we had to operate using back-ups . However, that was not the story that ran in my head in a cold Friday morning.
I do not have a girlfriend. There is this one girl who looks very much like Vanessa Anne Hudgens that I have this really huge crush on but I don't think she feels the same. I have often asked myself why God might find me unfitting for any woman whom I fall for. I think I found my answer during the entire server incident last Wednesday.
Despite all of my strengths, despite all of the abilities that I possess, I am not ready for her. The girl whose soft smile I see in my mind when I close my eyes is a great girl. She is a wonderful girl. She is able to move mountains and part seas with her grace. The stars bow to her in adoration. The funny thing is I see her all the time in my dreams but I can't remember her when I wake up.
The server incident of Wednesday showed me that I have skills but I have to hone them. There is still much I have to learn and I have to face facts that many will impress themselves upon me. It falls upon me to move into my future with a mind that is steeled and ready rather than with eyes that have a blank stare. I must always strive to look beyond the blankness of my eyes to see the world and the future that it promises me. It falls upon me to fulfill that promise. It is with these two hands that I shall mold my life and it is with this sharp mind that I shall make the world see what I have become. The struggles I shall face with my head held high and a great grin on my face for therein lies the spice of life for the world is my teacher and the Lord my companion and we shall travel with eyes wide open to see what lies beyond that which all have said is the highest peak I can climb.

I find myself writing again...

Today was a total headache for me in the office. The great and powerful wizard I fondly call "Silent Bob" was out sick so I found myself without a mentor. The worst part was that both the servers of our company started acting up. The server "stingray" was the worst of all because it just decided to die out on that particular day. I guess I'm thankful for everyone who went out of their way to try and help me out of that jam.
Worse yet, Silent Bob had mustered whatever strength he had to come to work and make one server, the aging "stingray", come back to functionality. Unfortunately, even his skills weren't enough to coax it back to life. As for the other server, it is also starting to show signs of instability. However, I have been able to make it recover. At least for the time-being.
My frustrations stem from losing. I hate losing. I fail to understand the concept of some things being impossible for me. I have always gone the way of getting the job done. I don't like leaving things unfinished.
The experience today was a very big eye-opener. It told me that my department is ill-prepared for a contingency that would lose time and effort. As I have stated when I started working, I came on board that company because they help people out. If it weren't for that, I would have taken that other job where there's this big elevator that is big enough to carry a small mobile suit.
I don't want to be caught unaware again. I want to start having contingency measures. I want to be ready for whatever comes my way. Despite having a backup, it occurred to me that we don't have any other machine that will handle things if the worst happens. This was basically my frustration today.
I wish I was looking for a girl. I think this is God's way of telling me that I am not prepared for that which I want to come. In other words, he really is planning on me to find her someday or she'll just come to me. I'll have to be ready for her. In other words, there is life after my duties to my family. I simply have to be ready for it when it comes.

The search is over...

I have to admit that I have been a bit forlorn these past few days. I suppose emotions really do play a very big part in my life in that they tend to control the rhythm of my body. Right now, I am down with the flu. I suppose it's very good timing as there will be no work on Monday and I won't have to miss work. The downside to it, though, is that I won't be able to enjoy the three-day weekend as much as I would if I were well. On to my story!

I have fallen for a girl who, I am afraid, has no interest in me whatsoever. I fall in-love too easily, I'm afraid. I saw this girl in Baguio City and I thought she was the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. I could have gone after her. I should have swooned her with the limited time I had in that country. I should, at least, have put a plan into action. I could have sown the seeds of a future relationship if I really wanted her, but I didn't.

Why didn't I? Well, I didn't know what I would have done if I succeeded. For one thing, I have a lot on my plate right now, so to speak. My parents are no longer around. I'm afraid it falls upon those who are left behind to ensure a future for those who are coming up in the world. It has been something I have been carrying on my chest for the longest time. I guess I can't get to her, if that's the case.

Don't get me wrong. I don't want any pity. Sometimes, I don't want people to look at me in that way. Sometimes, I don't want people to look at me at all. I often wonder what it is I fear. Funny thing when you lose a lot of the people you care for the most. You no longer fear death. You fear the death of everyone else who is close to you. You fear losing everyone else. Whether it is because they have moved on with their lives or they have moved on past this life. So, you remain obstinate, trapped in amber, hoping that they'll come back and they'll still recognize you when they do.

I thought that if I found the woman that I can call "my better half", things would be OK. I have yet to put that theory to the test. Truth of the matter is, I don't think I've found her. I don't think I ever will. I found a girl who was willing to be a friend and I miscronstrued everything, thinking that we might be more than friends. In truth, I lulled myself into that fantasy. I mean, a beautiful girl with a kind heart, how could you not? In retrospect, how could you. The more I think about it, the more it becomes apparent. Our bond only went as far as it did because she was being considerate. I'm afraid I've overstretched my bounds.

Of friends and enemies. It is a wonder to me how I can occupy the most precarious minds. As I have stated once before, I long for the days that I spent with my best friends in Malate Catholic School. Yes, we were all a lot less generous with our money but it was like we were all living the complications simply. I do know that they think of me every now and then and smile. In the end, I think, that is the greatest honor that I can have bestowed upon me. I am glad that they think of me in the brightest of their days or in the darkest of their nights even if it is only once in a while. I know that I can count on them to remind me that the world is not as anonymous as it seems. I don't know what happened to my friends in college. Most, I understand. The rest, I don't. For some, it pains me to think that they have no interest in my state of thinking. I sometimes wonder if it was worth it. I wonder if my emotional stock in them was worth investing. I wonder if they would have put themselves on the same line I did for them. In the end, I'll never know. In the end, I figure, it doesn't matter. If they move on, forget about me, but do right for themselves, I still did the right thing. If they end up being happy and I was able to help them achieve that, I still did the right thing. I will never see any of my deeds repayed probably and I won't even get any respect nor admiration but I shall be the fool who did the right thing because it was the right thing to do, regardless.

So, today, I end my search for my love. If fate is kind and deems it so that I shall find her, then I thank the bright lady. If not, then no hard feelings. I will die one day and I will just live life now. I shall try to live it as I have once before. Despite all that I have lost, I have gained much as well. What I have gained, I cannot pay for. From where I stand now, I cannot see the horizon. I will not play by the rules set by everyone else and I will not accept the ways of the world as my own. I will march through the difficult road because I can and I will not be overwhelmed nor conquered by the tune that everyone sings for this is my way. I will fight until I can fight no longer and I will pass this world with a smile on my face because even though I was not able to find her or if I found her, she never saw me, I know that she would have loved to see me smile.